I am the queen of thinking about overthinking about thinking about overthinking about thinking. And I am, a lot of the time, my own worst enemy. Yesterday, was one of those days.
I began questioning everything about my life while being stuck on I-77 in Charlotte for a solid 2 hours #whatupQueenCity?! (insert eye roll here). But it seems those moments stuck in a car are when my mind tends to start spiraling out of control.
I started wondering if I had done enough with my life. I’ve been on earth for 25 years. Assuming I were to make it even REMOTELY close to 100 (Jesus, please come back before then!), that’s a quarter of my life gone. Hence, #quarterlifecrisis. I was the smart kid in high school. I was supposed to go and be the smart kid in college and make something great of my life. Be the woman wearing pencil skirts and 4 inch stilettos with a corner office, a big paycheck, the perfect house, car, and family, taking care of my parents and sitting pretty. HA. Like any of that has happened.
There have been SO many things that derailed my plans. From injuries to family health issues to financial strains…to my mind. Yesterday is where I realized I’ve been my own worst enemy for quiet some time. Let me show you why…
1 – Went to college to be an engineer. Told myself I hated the major and it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life…so I switched majors. –> While I still agree I didn’t want to be behind a desk, I only came to this realization after making my first ever C’s and thinking I can’t be the struggling kid in this major. So I switched. I was the smart kid again. Life was good. My mind told me it was better to be the smartest, and in order to do that I needed to choose something that came easier to me.
2 – I DREAMED of dancing collegiately in college. So I went to NC State where I made the Dance Team. I got hurt halfway through my freshman year. Had knee surgery. Pushed through my sophomore year. Then hung it up… –> While the injury was legit, and it hurt like hell most days, I look at my body now and what I’ve pushed myself to do in Crossfit, or even just how much I pushed myself to run an 8:30 mile yesterday (don’t judge…that’s a big deal!), and I wonder if my knee was really the reason I left the team, or if my mind got the best of me in the moment and I could’ve pushed through the pain.
3 – I wanted to work in sports. I interned for summers. I had the connections. I had the job offers. But I turned them down because I needed to be close to home. –> My mind told me I needed to be here. To be the good daughter and sister. To be the good ole Southern Belle who stayed close to where she grew up and paid the bills and got married and had kids. Don’t misunderstand…I don’t regret staying. I still want to be married and have kids. But I let my mind tell me I couldn’t make it on my own at 21 across the country away from everything I ever knew. I was scared.
And NOW…now, I’m letting my mind tell me all my choices were wrong. If you had quit reading before you got to this part you’d probably think “This girl is a quitter. This girl has so many regrets. This girl hates her life.” But I can promise you, none of those things are true. At the time I made those decisions, they all felt right. [Looking back, the only one I would probably change was sticking it out on the Dance Team and saying screw it to the doctors and the pain.] I think all of us have those “what if” thoughts about how things could’ve turned out differently if we had done this or that. But I do believe that no matter what choice we make, God is Sovereign in all of them. An old bible study leader instilled that phrase into me. She poured it into my heart every single time I was overwhelmed.
Maybe I had the brains and the skills to be more that I am. To be the doctor. To be the engineer. To be the lawyer. Maybe I did miss out on a bigger paycheck or a different city or something “better” than what I have. But after today, going into a hospital and doing a job that I LOVE, I realized I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. And every choice has led me here. Yesterday my mind was my own worst enemy. But today, today my heart won. Jesus won.
As I pulled into work and saw RadioThon happening to raise money for one of the Children’s Hospitals I work in, I listened to stories of children and families on the radio. I listened to the radio hosts talk about how some kids are arguing over which color backpack they HAVE to have for school in a few weeks, while some children are just begging not to be poked again with a needle. I don’t say that to induce pity or guilt. I just say it because being able to do what I do, to go into hospitals and hopefully bring a little bit of joy to kids each and every day – that’s enough for me. I don’t need the big paycheck or fancy clothes. I don’t need to wonder if I didn’t amount to enough. Because when I come home everyday, exhausted and sometimes emotionally drained, I’m full of joy. And I’ve never been in a more fulfilling or humbling career in my entire life.
Today, my mind doesn’t get to win. It doesn’t get to trick me into thinking I’m not enough. Jesus is enough. And all that He has done for me is more than enough. Don’t let your mind be your own worst enemy. Know your worth. Know your King.
“it is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves” – unknown